So I got a tattoo while traveling Europe. Cliché? Probably, but I don’t care.
I got the new piece the day before I left Rome for Barcelona. Why? It was partly on a whim with a new girl friend and partly because I had already talked about getting a tattoo while on this trip anyway. But what to get…that’s always the conundrum.
I always have a rolling Pinterest board of tattoos I like and things I would consider getting myself and/or ideas. At the drop of a hat, I usually have some type of concept swimming around that I’d be happy to get inked on my body. I don’t really know why I’m prepared for these things, but I am and I’ve gotten a number of tattoos on a whim.
However, some of my body art though, is very well planned. The two pieces below were done by the same artist and were very much designed and planned. They weren’t taken from someone else images and were created by my artist with concepts provided by me. Oh, did I mention, I got both these tattoos with my Mom who got tattooed right along with me!!!! Yea, my Mom is totally badass. Love you Mom!!!
The owl is a dedication to my grandmother who left a lasting impression on my life and is missed in the hearts of many members of my family as well. She was the heart and soul of the family, always hosting every single holiday and keeping all of us in line. She loved owls and collected them. What’s more interesting though is the owl that waited outside my window for two weeks after she passed away. I believe it was her, watching over us after her passing. The lyrics scrolled beneath the feather are the lyrics to the song we played at her funeral. “The Dance” by Garth Brooks – “Our Lives are better left to chance, I could have missed the pain, but I’d have had to miss the dance”.
The lotus mandala on my back was an accumulation of me trying to figure myself out. I got it just before my 30th birthday. The flower is a Lotus and if you don’t know much about the Lotus, it’s a flower that grows in the murkiest of waters but blooms to be this beautiful flower. It also happens to be the flower of India of which I’m told my great grandfather was born and raised, the man we can thank for my last name.
“In Buddhist symbolism the lotus is symbolic of purity of the body, speech, and mind as while rooted in the mud, its flowers blossom on long stalks as if floating above the muddy waters of attachment and desire. It is also symbolic of detachment as drops of water easily slide off its petals.”– some wikipedia shit for ya.
I added the Mandala accents because mandalas are very beautiful and help heal and enlighten. Leading up to me turning 30 I was lost for so many of those years just trying to survive my marriage for half my adult life at the time and then trying to heal from the damage that was done leading up to 30. I meditated and tried to imagine greater things for myself which is when I made the move to LA to pursue acting.
Phew ok, so that catches you up on some of my most meaningful tattoos. Now, for the present one. The wings. Basic bitch? Absolutely. We’re all a little basic no matter how hard we try not to be. Get over it!
Ok get ready for some Eat Pray Love shit, cuz it’s coming. You can click that little ex at the top of your screen now or forever hold your peace. Ok, you were warned.
It’s not a secret, if you’ve been reading my blog, that I’ve been struggling the last few years. I’ll get into more of my struggles in future blog posts but I came to LA hopeful and determined. Somewhere along the way I lost my shit….again. I thought that I was fine and I got really good at pretending I was too. I even had myself fooled too lol
Depression, alcohol and drugs got ahold of me and slowly started to rip apart what I had spent so much time healing in therapy. I hit a new rock bottom and shit just kept getting piled on top of me. Some of it my own doing (trust, I have to own that shit) and others I was a victim of circumstance. I…couldn’t….recover! No matter how hard I tried, I just kept getting knocked right back down. Two steps forward, one step back. More like one step forward and two steps back.
Month after month I just kept sinking deeper and deeper into my hole with virtually no hope of getting out of it. I could really have used wings at that time to get the fuck out of it.
Here is comes…are you ready for it???? I grew fucking wings and I’m flying up out of the shit I left behind in Los Angeles on this trip. This trip has been so much more then seeing a couple new countries and some popular sights. It’s been about healing and growing and learning how to live in this world again without the crutches of drugs, alcohol and co-dependent relationships. It’s been about pulling myself out of that hole and learning to fly.
I’ve hit some walls, some of which I’ve tried to share while being on this trip so it doesn’t just look like pizza and rainbows over here with a ton of photos of me grinning from ear to ear and looking happy in front of this world’s fine monuments and tourist attractions. I’ve had some dark days too and there have been struggles along the way too. But this time, I’m fucking ready to face them.
I’m stronger, I’m healthier and I’m more mentally ready now then I ever have been before to succeed (which I’ve always been afraid to do, constantly self-sabotaging). Dude, was I great at self-sobfatgage. Maybe the best lol.
I’ve grown wings on this trip and when I come home, ya’ll are gonna see me fly. Things are different. I AM DIFFERENT. I’m not the same person who left Los Angeles in April. I’m not going to settle for the same bullshit I used to. I’m not going to settle for not pursuing my passions and dreams. I’m not going to allow other people to hold me back or keep me down at their levels.
You are either my champion or you are just an anchor holding me back. I can’t expect to get better when I surround myself with negativity, toxicity or complacency. For so long, it has been what I was used to. The process of cutting toxic people and things out of my life has already begun and while it breaks my heart to cut some of these people and things out of my life, I know that in the long run it will be necessary in order for me to truly soar.
Long story long, I’ve changed and I’m ready to fly baby. Los Angeles, I’m coming for you and I’m gonna make you my bitch! Just kidding, you’re the man (or woman or whatever gender identifier you are comfortable with), but things are gonna be different this time around. You’ll see.
I’m gonna be Harry Styles flying away far away from the negativity like….