Watching a show on Netflix called The Queen’s Gambit. Her friend visits her after not having seen her for many years:
“Lets look at where you’re at. After being here all of five minutes, looks like it’s at the bottom of a fucking hole. It’s looking a lot like you dug it yourself. My advice, stop digging.”– Quote from The Queen’s Gambit
If you feel like you are at the bottom today, stop digging. For real, knock it off.
I dug myself a hole for years and years thinking I somehow deserved to be at the bottom of it. When I thought I was at my bottom, I’d somehow dig myself even deeper until I was afraid I was going to die.
On February 18, 2019, I took my final drink. That drink led to who knows how many others that night. I don’t know because I blacked out some time around 7:30pm. My night didn’t end until 4:43am. I don’t know what I did or where I was. I just know where i ended up and how I felt the next morning.
I had been digging myself a hole with drinking for years. This was not the first time I woke up in a state of panic or worry or disgust with myself. This was just the last time I was ever going to put myself through that. I had enough. I was afraid. I knew it was time to change.
I didn’t really know what to do or how to start. So I did the best thing I could think of which was to reach out to a friend. Someone who I felt could understand what I was going through. He did and he helped me.
I was ashamed and embarrassed but none of that was worse than the fear I felt every time I thought about that night. I stopped digging on February 19, 2019. I’ve been filling that hole back in ever since.
As someone who had stopped digging, here’s my advice:
- Start by deciding that you don’t want to be in that hole anymore – whatever that represents in your life.
- Stop digging
- Ask for help
- Work every day toward not digging yourself any deeper
- Start filling the hole in
It’s not going to happen all at once, but you can start today by putting the shovel down.