Watching a show on Netflix called The Queen’s Gambit. Her friend visits her after not having seen her for many years:
“Lets look at where you’re at. After being here all of five minutes, looks like it’s at the bottom of a fucking hole. It’s looking a lot like you dug it yourself. My advice, stop digging.”
– Quote from The Queen’s Gambit
If you feel like you are at the bottom today, stop digging. For real, knock it off.
I dug myself a hole for years and years thinking I somehow deserved to be at the bottom of it. When I thought I was at my bottom, I’d somehow dig myself even deeper until I was afraid I was going to die.
On February 18, 2019, I took my final drink. That drink led to who knows how many others that night. I don’t know because I blacked out some time around 7:30pm. My night didn’t end until 4:43am. I don’t know what I did or where I was. I just know where i ended up and how I felt the next morning.
I had been digging myself a hole with drinking for years. This was not the first time I woke up in a state of panic or worry or disgust with myself. This was just the last time I was ever going to put myself through that. I had enough. I was afraid. I knew it was time to change.
I didn’t really know what to do or how to start. So I did the best thing I could think of which was to reach out to a friend. Someone who I felt could understand what I was going through. He did and he helped me.
I was ashamed and embarrassed but none of that was worse than the fear I felt every time I thought about that night. I stopped digging on February 19, 2019. I’ve been filling that hole back in ever since.
As someone who had stopped digging, here’s my advice:
- Start by deciding that you don’t want to be in that hole anymore – whatever that represents in your life.
- Stop digging
- Ask for help
- Work every day toward not digging yourself any deeper
- Start filling the hole in
It’s not going to happen all at once, but you can start today by putting the shovel down.
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