I’m someone right now that I don’t want to be. I’m skeptical of everything. I’m constantly on edge. I can’t relax. I’m worried. I’m scared. I react with anger instead of compassion. I’m questioning everything. I’m in a constant state of anxiety. I don’t sleep well. I eat like shit. I can’t get motivated to workout or even leave the house most days.

Worst of all, I feel like I can’t control any of it. This is the most out of control I have felt since before getting sober in 2019. It doesn’t sit well with me.

Why do I feel this way constantly now? What has changed? Have I taken the wrong road? Have I made bad choices? Am I getting ready to self sabotage? Am I just creating my own chaos because it’s what I’m used to? Is someone else causing me to feel this way? Are other outside influences clogging my vision? Am I letting one little thing turn into a big thing? What is the answer to all these questions swimming around inside my head? Is there a solution?

I suppose time will tell but right now I feel fucking crazy and I don’t like it. It’s a feeling I don’t like sitting with. I’m used to having my shit together now and allowing myself to be weak and vulnerable doesn’t come as naturally as maybe it once did.

I spent a lot of my adult life hiding how I feel or what’s going on. I make an effort not to do that as much anymore. So here I am admitting that I don’t have it all together, that I’m not perfect and I’m struggling internally to reconcile my life.

I’m still thankful that I’m employed (i love my work), a lead actor in a series (the best gig around), I have supportive people in my life (for real, I couldn’t get through life without them), I have a roof over my head and food in my belly….and yet something is still picking away at me.

The universe is likely teaching me something with this, but I’m having a hard time seeing through the fog. I feel frustrated to say the least.

I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way, especially with the way the world is at the present moment. Everyone has their own battles they are fighting. This is mine and I feel like I’m losing right now, but I’m going to keep fighting. I don’t really consider myself to be a quitter but sometimes I have to change course in order to fix my situation.

Maybe it’s time for a change… again. I don’t mean that I’m going to cut bangs or get another tattoo. I also don’t mean that I’m going to run away either. I haven’t ran away from my problems in quite some time and I don’t intend to start doing that again either. But something has to change and it must change before I reach a breaking point.

It’s ok to break every now and then but several times in life I have straight up shattered and it’s so hard to pick up those itty bitty pieces and put them back together. I also can’t ignore the feelings I have right now or numb them out with vices and distractions.

Oh to be able to find bliss in ignorance would be a welcomed break from the madness but alas, I must soldier on. Reminds me of the Linkin Park song I loved as a teen. Pretty accurately sums up how I feel today. So I’ll turn it up to 11, put on my big girl pants and keep fucking going.

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