I had to make a really tough decision this month. I had to let something go. Now that I’ve let go, I’m processing all the feelings that come along with making a decision like that.
It’s been tough. I’ve second guessed myself, questioned everything and even helped on to some unrealistic expectations. The fact is, the decision was the right one, even though it hurt to make.
The evidence was stacked up against staying. Unchanged behaviors, lack of accountability and unrealistic expectations were piling up so high, it would take way to long to conquer those mountains. The baggage being carried on our backs each and every day just made everything too hard to continue. Sometimes you have to put it all down and walk away.
I probably should have walked away sooner. I have a hard time knowing when to let go. I give chances – a lot of them. When they show even the slightest sign of improvement, I’ll hold onto hope for longer than I should. I also have a tendency to push forward based on the potential I see in someone. Words and promises can be very convincing, especially since I’m a words of affirmation love language person.
The words they say make an impact, until they no longer do. When the words are no longer accompanied by changed behavior, it becomes harder and harder to hold on to hope. It starts slipping away. It gets worse if the words they say are lies or they begin to hide things. The trust diminishes until there is nothing left. Sometimes even a negative balance is due and it becomes an ongoing awful thing for both people. I don’t trust, they can’t seem to earn it back and it never ends.
That’s where I was at. The lies, the empty promises and all the red flags I tried so hard to ignore. I could no longer trust anything. I was empty.
There is this meme that sums it up perfectly. When someone shows us their true colors, we have to stop trying to repaint them. I tried to repaint this person probably our entire relationship. He showed me who he was from the very beginning but I held on to this hope and idea that he could change That I could help him change by showing him a life that was different then he’d ever had. I think he thought he could change to as he seemed ready. It just wasn’t the right timing.
I believe he tried. I believe he wanted things to be different too. I pushed really hard on someone who wasn’t ready to change. He resented me and I resented him so having to be the one always pushing. So we had to go our separate ways and I think I’ll always think about it. I’m still thinking about what I could have done differently. How I should’ve backed off. How I tried to fix what wasn’t mine to fix. How I probably should’ve walked away after I set boundaries and they weren’t respected the first time instead of giving more and more chances.
I blame myself partially for how things turned out. I’m not too proud, I definitely see where I went wrong. It’s another life lesson I’ll carry with me and work toward changing in my future relationships. At the core of it all, I felt he deserved a better life than he’d lived before me and I tried to be a girlfriend, sponsor, life coach, therapist and boss. It was too much, too fast and I’ll be more careful next time.
I don’t know what will happen for him, but wherever he is and whatever he’s doing – I’ll pray for him and wish the best for him. I won’t carry hate in my heart for what happened. I’ll remember the times when we were great and I’ll slowly forgive the times when we weren’t.
I’ll continue to work on knowing when to let go and how to hold boundaries better. I’ll work on letting go and not trying to change people – but accepting them for who they are by not trying to change them. I love really really hard and sometimes I lose sight of what’s important. In the future, I’ll be more aware of how “helping” isn’t always helpful. I’ll wait to be asked for help instead of just diving right in.
I listened to this song today, “Scars” by Papa Roach and it brought me to tears. Specifically this part:
“I can’t help you fix yourself, but at least I can say I tried. I tear my heart open. I sew myself shut. My weakness is that I care too much. The scares remind us that the past is real. I tear my heart open just to feel!”
I’m a work in progress. I’ll keep digging deep and soul searching. I’ll trust my higher power’s timing and know that I don’t have control over any of this. I can just keep trying.