Let me explain….
Being alone with yourself is the hardest thing when you don’t love yourself. Sitting alone in a room by yourself is a struggle when your head starts swimming. The second guessing, the thought processes where you hurt your own feelings, the regrets about decisions you made…the list goes on.
It’s only when you are alone with nothing to distract you that you start to truly realize whether you are your own friend or your own enemy. The people who find themselves constantly trying to distract themselves with “things” or “people” are the ones trying to hardest not to be alone with themselves. The sad part is, most don’t even realize they are doing it.
That is, until they get stuck in a room alone with themselves.
I was this way. I was terrified to be alone because that was when I would think. Thinking was dangerous because it made me feel bad. I let all the things I was running from catch up with me and it was….just….unbearable. So I would keep running.
Multiple relationships, tons of friends, different jobs and obstacles always there to keep me preoccupied. I could find safety in all these different things in my life and never have to truly deal with the fact that I didn’t like myself. If other people liked me, that would be enough. I would be enough.
The problem with finding your own self worth inside the minds and hearts of other people is that you’ll almost always come up short. Why? It’s not really their fault. In fact, you’ll likely be drawn to people who will eventually abandon you. You will inevitably set yourself up for disaster or sabotage anything that could potentially last.
Even if you DID find someone who could see through your bullshit – is that really fair to them? I heard a saying recently that you need to heal yourself before you bleed on someone who didn’t cut you. I’ve done my fair share of bleeding on people who didn’t cut me. I’ve also had my cuts made deeper because I didn’t take the time to heal them and jumped right back into something else to remain distracted.
The truth is, at some point in your life, you need to figure out how to be alone with yourself. You might be super resistant to this idea, but I encourage you to sit with those feelings. If you’ve jumped from relationship to relationship without a break in between to heal and figure your shit out – I encourage you to take that break next time around (not that I’m assuming you’re going to break up, but lets be honest, if you don’t love yourself or haven’t figured your shit out – it’s going to be really hard to make things work).
Self reflection is a beast. If you’re anything like me and have a history of addiction, shame, feelings of unworthiness, abuse, rape….it’s a very unpleasant thing to sit alone with yourself. You want to run out of the room screaming. You want to scream or cry or disappear right where you sit. You want to drown out the things running through your mind, the things you can’t bare to think about that bring you stress and pain.
It’s only been through a lot of therapy and recovery that I’ve been able to more easily sit with myself and my thoughts without letting them drive me insane or feeling the need to run from them instead of acknowledging them and moving on. I always thought I had to forgive the people who had wronged me but in reality, I needed to forgive myself for going through it and my responses to it.
It’s my hope that those reading this are able to find peace within themselves. To quiet the voices that tell us we aren’t good enough, not worthy and don’t deserve everything in this life. I hope that you are able to someday sit in a room by yourself and be able to smile.