I dipped my toe in the polyamory world when I moved to LA back in 2015. My eyes were opened to this non-monogamy world filled with what appeared to be a love filled oasis of sexual exploration and freedom. SIGN ME UP!!!!
I’ve discovered now that I was initially drawn to polyamory to get away from jealousy and controlling behaviors that I suffered through for so long in my marriage. When I heard about a community of humans who were so open with their emotions and sexuality, I… was… hooked.
Like a drug, I gave it a try and then I was all in. I found my first poly partner – a sober married man with a terrifically supportive wife whom was very supportive of our relationship and I thought that was so rad. Here was this beautiful married couple letting me into their life and showering me with love and kindness. Fucking sweet!
Then I met partner #2 who wasn’t polyamorous (but definitely interested in non-monogamy) but was willing to date me anyway. I fell for him pretty instantly and we struggled through our almost 2 years relationship over various aspects of polyamory and jealousy and my alcoholism. It was anything but easy though we were always able to talk through things, until we couldn’t or he couldn’t take it anymore.
Then I met partner #3, someone very much intertwined in the poly community, multiple partners and our relationship was never a struggle. We rarely fought, if ever. If there was jealousy, it was just mine.
Partner #1 and I broke up and he was quickly replaced by Partner 4, someone very new to polyamory and this was his first relationship.
All of a sudden I had 3 boyfriends from very different backgrounds, motivations, love experiences whose connection was me. But I was not the best version of myself – I would say I was still sick. Sick from the abuse of my marriage, sick from the constant alcohol abuse that I was hiding from them and ultimately sick from the imposter syndrome I felt hiding from instead of facing my problems.
I chose to get lost in my love for them. It was a dreamy place to be, being love and admired by 3 very awesome men who wanted nothing but the best for me. They were encouraging me instead of tearing me down. They loved me individually in the ways that they knew how and I soaked it all in.
I experienced such great joy with each of these partners and they all taught me so much about love, sex and deepening connections. I’m constantly grateful for each and every moment spent with each of them. If I could go back and change it, I wouldn’t. There are things I would’ve done differently inside those individual relationships but that is neither here nor there now.
Then there are the relationships that were started with potential partners who bowed out after a few months of dating because they didn’t want to share me. They didn’t want to be polyamorous when feelings became involved. Some expressed this to me and I was always grateful for them taking care of themselves. Others my heart was broken for a brief period of time because I truly liked them and wanted to see where a relationship with them might have gone.
I feel a sense of loss for those relationships where we might have been more – maybe we still could be – but the timing was off. Maybe, there’s always tons of maybes.
But all of those relationships have come and gone. I am now alone, picking up the pieces and sorting through the emotional rubble left behind. Some days I’m completely buried in my grief and my loss. Other days I’m able to chip away at some of the damage through understanding, forgiveness and realizing that I cannot change the past – what is done is done.
I can see why I was drawn to the allure of polyamory – it was an escape for me. I could escape into this beautiful world of love, acceptance, community and openness without limitations. Sounded so easy and free and so opposite of what I had come from in my marriage.
I had 3 very awesome men cheering me on in life and even to this day, a picture I have of the 3 of them and myself together is one of my most cherished possessions.
Polyamory taught me about asking myself why. I was forced to face demons within myself that I never knew existed. I had to sit and face a lot of feelings on my own that caused me to really look inward and question myself. Why was I feeling jealous? Why did someone else’s actions affect me so much? What can I control in any given situation? What is out of my control? What is me being insecure and what is my partner actually damaging me? Etc.
Polyamory taught me to communicate. In previous relationships (romantic or otherwise) my communication skills have been complete shit. I couldn’t communicate what I wanted, what I needed much less describe my deepest sexual desires to my partner – which now seems ludicrous to me. I had to communicate with my partners on some very difficult topics and situations that really helped break down my walls of communication and feel safe to speak freely about how I felt. That was a major feat!
Polyamory helped me love sex again. My marriage was sexually abusive in every way you can imagine. Polyamory brought me partners who helped bring the passion and desire back into my life. These were men who knew what they likes and wanted in the bedroom but also helped me deeply explore mine – without judgement.
But ultimately, when it comes down to it – polyamory isn’t the right choice for me. I’m still very much tied to the idea of having one partner I grow old with. Someone I share the important moments in life and I don’t have to decide which partner gets to do what or gets to experience what event with me this time.
I don’t want to spread my time so thinly over multiple relationships and spend hours assuring one partner that everything is fine while I spend time with another. I don’t want to have to hear about how my love’s heart has been broken by someone else. I don’t want to feel secondary because someone has been with my partner longer. I don’t want to have to wait to see my partner when I’m going through something rough because it’s their other partner’s night. I don’t want to have to decide who gets to come with me to what events, who I can or cannot tag on Facebook or deal with multiple heartbreaks all in one year.
I just want to deal with one person’s heart and I want that one person to want to deal with just mine too. Not to possess or own them in any way, just to love them and them alone.
I just want one person to fight with, cuddle with, celebrate holidays with, take to family events, wake up early with on sundays and walk to get coffee or stay in bed all day together doing nothing at all. I just want one person to love. That will be more than enough for me.
Relationships of any type are never easy – I’d just rather go through it with one person instead of multiple people lol
I honestly don’t have the capacity to love more than one person in my life at this juncture.
I still love and will always love my past poly partners. They will always have a piece of my heart and a spot in the history of me that no one else can ever replace.
So on to the next chapter in my life.
Here’s a little mood music to lead you out of this long ass post.
“Tryna fit your hand inside mine
When we know it just don’t belong
There’s no force on earth
Could make it feel right, no
Tryna push this problem up the hill
When it’s just too heavy to hold
Think now is the time to let it slide”
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