Fair Warning: I am going to talk about body image and weight. This post is NOT about anyone’s body type that differs from mine but rather a reflection on my own weight and body image. It does not reflect how I feel in general about other people’s bodies or weight in general. Ok, there I said it and I’m sure I’ll still likely offend someone but I wanted to be clear about this at least.

Now for my actual post….

Lately I have been thinking a lot about body image. I recently found out that I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life. I stepped on the scale when I left for Europe and was surprised at the number 157 staring back at me. I used to hover at around 125 – 130 for most of my adult life so you can imagine my surprise at the number. It’s nearly 30 extra pounds I didn’t see before. Boo fucking hoo for me right? Even writing it makes me feel semi ashamed as I know a lot of women struggle with weight and probably even more so than me, but it still bothers me.

But why does this bother me? 

I was, to be quite honest, devastated when I saw the number. But why? I realized it’s partly this outdated idea that it’s more desirable to be closer to 100lbs than 200lbs. I grew up in a time where stick thin with an hour glass figure was the most desirable body type. That a fuller figure was not what was hot during my teen years. I’ve also been in an industry when beauty and body means everything. As a model and actor, there is a constant struggle to meet perfection, whatever that is. Hell, I got fake tits when I was 21 trying to get a more ideal body.

The weight itself wasn’t it though….it has to be something else. 

I noticed my clothes fitting tighter, tops no longer buttoning and some of my favorite things I just couldn’t wear anymore. I no longer slept naked, I took less naked selfies and I found myself gazing into my mirror and harshly judging my new form, pulling and prodding areas I was dissatisfied with. 

So It really had very little to do with what I believed other people would think of me, but rather what I was thinking of myself each time I couldn’t clasp that button or pull those jeans up around my thighs. 

That wasn’t the whole picture either though, there’s still something else at work here. The weight was just a small piece of the puzzle. Body image can be the death of any confident woman. If you don’t feel good in your skin, you have some work to do.

I realized I just wasn’t happy with me. I felt this same way at my lower weight before gaining my current 30 pounds. 

It dawned on me that I’ve always struggled with body image internally. From my very first boyfriend who put me down for having small tits to my abusive ex-husband who completely trashed any amount of confidence I could have had in my early twenties. I had to start completely over at 25 years old as someone completely lost with zero self esteem.

It’s been a struggle my entire adult life to figure out who I am beneath this skin – beneath the fake tits, high heels, hair dye and makeup. It goes so much deeper than a few extra pounds and stems from my own confusion about my own self identity. 

The weight is NOT the problem. I plan on exploring this topic much deeper in the coming year and sorting out some ideas in my head I’m not ready to fully and eloquently express in written form yet. 

I wanted to share this today because on social media I post the best pictures I have in my phone (including the one attached to this post). They are sometimes filtered or switched to black and white to hide blemishes and imperfections. I take pictures from angles I think I look best and reject about 100 other photos I’ve taken that I’m too insecure to post.

I believe many women go through this same exact thing. It doesn’t matter where you are at in life, you’ve likely struggled with this or are currently still struggling with this. You are not alone and women of all shapes, sizes, ethnicities and backgrounds also struggle. I was slightly hesitant to post something about weight at all, but it needed to be talked about with regard to how I’ve gotten to my current thought process and exploration. Weight was my catalyst for digging deeper. It was a physical symptom that caused me to turn inward and work on me.

Do you have anything like this going on in your life?

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1 thought on “The Death of Self Confidence

  1. Thanks for this Nicole. It is very important to many, on different paths of our human spectrum: LGBQT+, people of color, ageism, anyone who feels less than, which is happening all the time we are in dark times, anxious and fearful times, and using yourself as an example of how we are not alone is brave, and loving. You know I love you, as do many others. Please stay my loving badass warrior, worthy one. ❤️

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