In early sobriety, they always tell you to wait a year before getting into a relationship. I totally get why, but damn is that a tall order. I jumped the gun a bit. I tried to not get involved in anything super serious once I decided to get sober. I tried to avoid love, but I failed!
I’ll be honest, I texted a couple exes a few times hoping for reconciliation after being like “hey I’m sober now, maybe you wanna try again” but that was, as one could have guessed, a bust.
When I got home from Europe in July, I broke off casual relationship with men I’d been seeing on and off for years and I was doing a great job at it. I effectively cut off all relationships with men who didn’t want anything more than a casual roll in the hay with me when they were lonely or horny. I gave some of them the option for something more serious and they all declined.
I’m sure this makes me sound like a slut but whatever. If that’s where you draw the line after I’ve shared some pretty crazy shit on this blog, then so be it lol.
I had met someone really special on my euro trip and would have loved to have stayed there or gone back and seen what we might’ve been. But my life is here and his there and both very busy as well. The agony of hoping you’ll see someone again is a lot to reconcile. I’ve admittedly never been good at long distance – I need my human here, with me. I’m needy like that. I even struggle if someone isn’t in the same city as me. I’ve got issues, we know this lol.
So late last year, I was starting to come to terms with the fact that I was just going to be single and it was a good thing. Well until I met someone, that is…(isn’t that always how it goes….I guess I’ll just die alone until….lol)
I started seeing someone late last year and fell pretty hard and fast…
He made me feel the way I always wanted to feel in a relationship – like I was the only girl in the world that mattered. He only had eyes for me and it had been a long time since I’ve felt that kind of admiration….and truly believed it. (this is not the fault of previous partners lacking in showing me they loved me, just to be clear. It was my own internal issue).
I’ll be honest, I was in love with the way he made me feel – still am. I always wanted that kind hearted tattooed covered music man to come into my life and do whatever it takes to be with me. Love me unconditionally and spend his days thinking of adventures we would do together that weekend. It’s a very romantic idea and he ticked those boxes. I was shook.
Today I had to walk away. It’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to do in awhile. To be honest with myself and make a tough decision like that. I just wanted to live in the love we created. It was beautiful! I could get lost in it. I did a little.
But my heart had been hurting the last few days and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why. My intuition was screaming – girl take a breather and think things through. So I did and decided it was best for everyone if I took a step back.
I’m not going to share the story or reasons behind why because this is not about him….it’s about me duh.)
All you can do is tell someone the truth, how you feel and give them the space to work on themselves (if they want to). Asking them to be anything more to you – in my case a boyfriend – isn’t fair. They need time and they have to want (and put into action) the same things as you.
Time can heal and relationship can be rebuilt, but actions must follow words.
It reminds me of when I was really good at talking the talk but not walking the walk – back when I was drinking. I struggled in relationships. I loved my boyfriends during that time, I truly did. But I constantly fucked up. No matter how much I loved them, I found myself constantly disappointing them. I felt like I was not enough. I felt less than. I felt that they deserved better. I felt guilty for even dating them. I couldn’t live up to any expectation. Even if I did and they truly truly loved me for me, I’d sabotage it. Seriously, I would ruin it because it was too good.
One boyfriend in particular, I was only ever able to see once a week because of his busy work schedule. I looked forward to that one day, that less than 24 hours we got to spend together every week. Yet, I would still get too wasted to go see him sometimes or show up drunk and piss him off. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know how to stop. I beat myself up over it constantly. Even though I loved him so much….I loved my alcohol more.
That’s a sad fucking truth to stare in the face sometimes. I still struggle with it. The idea that I was such a lush and that it mattered more than anything else going on in my life. What a pity.
So here I am, looking truth in the face and I’m taking a step back. I hope and pray that things get better for him. I would love nothing more than to hear that he’s resolved the problems he’s facing and perhaps we can try again some day. My optimistic side hopes we can reset and give it a real go in the future.
He’s a sweet man with a kind heart and I hope that instead of seeing this as an act of abandonment that he’ll see this as an act of love and an opportunity for success. You gave me feelings I will never forget and hope to feel again some day my sweet boy, but for now I had to close the book on our love and allow you time to rebuild. (not that he’ll read this, but if he does someday, perhaps he’ll see that I’ve done this out of love and nothing more.)
I’ve cried a lot today but tomorrow is a new day. All I can do is keep moving forward. I’ll stay sober, keep working toward my own goals and build my kingdom.
“Cuz I can’t keep livin’ for the damage. Go Easy on me baby.” – some mood music from two songs that hit me like a ton of bricks today.
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