I freaking did it! Today marks the 2 year anniversary of the day I decided to get sober and work every day at staying sober.
If you would have asked me 2 years ago if I thought I would be in this place, I would have told you no. Not because I didn’t believe it was possible…I just didn’t believe it was possible for me.
In recovery they say that the first year is for yourself and the rest of the years are for the newcomer. I didn’t really understand that at first. Selfishly I wanted every year to be for me because I’m the one who did it. But ultimately, it’s the program and the people in it who have given me so much so far that these extra years really are for them.
When someone is a newcomer, meaning they got sober recently or relapsed and have come back – it’s good for them to see people in the program with multiple years. I remember my first meeting and someone was celebrating a birthday of 20+ years.
I remember sitting there thinking, wow, 20+ years. How does someone who was so addicted not pick up for 20+ years? Then other people shared their numbers and it was a room full of people who have stayed sober for decades. That gave me hope. Maybe I could put together more than just a few days, weeks or months. Then I went ahead and did it.
It hasn’t been easy. The first couple of months were the absolute hardest. So many times I would think that I had stayed sober for a few weeks so maybe I wasn’t an alcoholic afterall. Maybe that was enough and I could drink again. I would obsess about it. Tell myself that I would be able to drink normally again. That is was going to be okay.
At 2 years, I realize how that sort of thinking was part of my alcoholism. It was trying to find a way to survive. Valiant effort, but I did defeat that thought. These days, I don’t really crave alcohol like I used to. For that, I’m so grateful.
As of late I struggle mostly with people pleasing. I don’t want to disappoint people. I’ve made my sobriety and much of my struggle just getting on very public. So I think when I make choices sometimes, I really get inside my head about what people might think or how people might view me.
I’ve been getting my high from people pleasing and I’m working on fixing that. Reminding myself that I can be this perfect person and I’ll make mistakes – and all of that is okay. Disappointing people is a part of life, it’s not just a part of being in recovery – it’s part of being human.
But these days I’m just enjoying life and being grateful that I’m not picking up a bottle and drowning myself. Overall, I just feel good. That is enough for me right now.