My #1 problem has been – not asking. No one is going to read my mind and is just going to hand me what I want.
I’ve been actively asking the universe for what I want. That answer may be yes, no or wait…..but at least it’s a step in the right direction.
A few current things I’m asking the universe for:
- Self-love – I’ve been a very very cruel person to myself. It may not look that way, but I’ve spent years beating myself up for a lot of things and blaming myself for every single little thing that goes wrong. I’m asking for self-love so that I may continue to heal.
- Patience – That I may have more of it to give to myself and more to give to others. I’m also asking for patience from those around me. I’m in transition and working through some very heavy things.
- Time – it’s something we can never get back once given. Understand that if I ask for your time, I don’t intend to waste it. I see time as a gift and if given, I will make the best of it. I will also give selflessly of my own time to others.
It may seem like a very simple thing, but I have always struggled with asking for what I want.
Why Do You Have Trouble Asking?
Trigger warning & General warning —- I am going to talk about abuse and things that could be triggering to some. I worry sometimes that telling parts of my story may be construed as me looking for pity or sympathy – but I assure you it’s anything but. I’ve thrown myself enough pity parties to last a lifetime. I simply want to explain where this particular struggle stems from, maybe someone can relate or it might help you understand me better. —- End of Warning
My inability to ask for things (and sometimes even help) stems from trauma I faced for years during my marriage. If I asked for something I was either immediately denied and berated for wanting something so stupid or if he said yes, I was forced to pay for it later by doing whatever he asked of me.
For example, if I wanted to see my family for Thanksgiving – I had to ask. He would say yes but….followed by some sort of promise or tasks I would have to complete at a later date to make up for this major inconvenience to him. Very few people know the horror of what I would go through just to spend time with them or get the things I wanted. I never told anyone.
Often times I wouldn’t ask for what I wanted. I couldn’t stand having to complete some of the tasks he would require of me. Some of them would be sexual in nature while others required physical labor and sleep deprivation. That’s about as specific I can be without triggering myself at this present time but what I CAN say, is that these tasks and punishments for getting something I wanted conditioned me not to ask for things anymore.
I started accepting what I was given, not getting what I wanted. This has been a constant theme in my life since leaving my abuser.
So asking the universe for what I want is something very new to me and even now, though I’ve been divorced since 2010, it’s still a struggle.
Secondarily, I haven’t felt like I deserved to get the things I’ve wanted. Cut back to those abuse years where he would shame me and tell me I didn’t deserve what I wanted. Enough years of that and you start to believe it. So asking for what I’ve wanted has left me guilt ridden and feeling like I don’t necessarily deserve to get what I want. Sad…I know.
But I feel that if I consistently work on asking for what I want, I’ll get to a place where asking won’t be so difficult anymore.
Universe, help me to be unafraid to ask for the things I want and not settle for less.