I’m quite frankly tired of having my heart broken. I’m tired out meeting new people. I’m tired of dating. When will I find the right relationship? Does it have to be at just the right time? Am I supposed to reconnect with a previous relationship? Am I supposed to meet someone new? Do I still have years to wait before I find any answers at all? Ugh, I just want answers to questions I’ll never get answers to.
I know I have to just be patient but I’m about to turn thirty fucking five and I feel like my time is running short. Like my clock is ticking. I know this is a biological things but there feels like there is a sense of urgency. I had never considered having kids before but what if I do want them? What if I’m wasting time? What if, what if, what if?!?! My head runs in circles sometimes.
When I got into my last relationship, I really wanted that to be the last one. I wanted him to be my forever. I thought he was. I was so hopeful. It seemed so promising at first too. From the outside, people really thought we had a very successful relationship. For a long time, I did to. We had a lot in common, the affection was there, it seemed like we both wanted the same things and then poof…..it all came crumbling down. The idea of this perfect life I thought was coming was taken away. I was left feeling so empty and defeated.
If you would’ve asked me last year if I thought I’d be married in the next 3 years , buying a home, getting the dog (fuck, I was even thinking about having kids), I would have answered with a resounding yes! I put everything that I had into that relationship. I was willing to bend over backward, suck it up and make it work. I was willing to compromise and have the hard conversations. I was offering solutions to whatever problems we were facing. I wanted to succeed.
But if life has taught me anything is that things don’t always go as planned. I don’t always get what I want. The timing is not always what I want it to be. What it seems that I’m being told right now is either No or simply that I need to wait. It’s really frustrating.
I wanted it to work. I’ve been pretending for a few weeks that everything is fine and it’s all for the better and trying to remain positive. But honestly, I’m so frustrated and sad about how it all turned out. Like, why does this happen time and time again. This time I really truly tried and still have nothing to show for it except a broken heart.
I just want to be happy and in love with someone who can return the level of honesty and love back to me. Someone who will have the tough conversations with me and call me on my shit when it needs to be called out. Someone who will support me and lift me up as often as I do the same for them. Someone who is mature and ready to tackle life together. Someone who has goals and the drive to meet them or ask for help if they need it. Someone who knows how to communicate their needs and has clear boundaries. Someone who gives as much as they get because I will give until I have nothing left so I need someone who fills me back up.
Until then, I guess I just have to wait and see.
Now I’m back to square one and I’m at a loss for what to do. I don’t want to get back on dating apps like I was before. I’m lonely. I work from home so the amount of human contact I get is next to zero. I’m struggling and it’s made worse by this stupid fucking holiday and the fomo I get every time I open up social media and see happy couples together. It’s enough to make a girl go crazy.
But what can I do? Suck it up and keep pushing forward. So that’s what I’m doing. But I want to be honest about how I hate every single second of it and I just wish things had worked out.
I’m tired of waiting….