Ya know, this is a thing I’ve noticed about myself: I write the most when I’m unhappy. Writing has always been my way to release things. This is particularly true of negative or hurtful things. Writing was my way of letting it go and getting it out of my body. I wrote in a journal ever since I was little. I have pages and pages of stuff I wrote as a kid alone in my bedroom. As an adult, I’ve sort of adopted the same behavior.
My therapist thinks this is a good practice, thought maybe I shouldn’t put so much out in the world for everyone to read. I worry about how much I put out there myself and yet I still go ahead and do it. Anyone who knows me personally knows many of the stories and situations that fill these pages already. It’s my way of relating and hopefully helping others, just on a grander scale.
So I realized I haven’t really written too much in the past couple of weeks. It’s not because I’ve been lazy, thought I’ve had some bouts with that as of late. It is more so about me being content with my life right now. I’m actually really happy. I write less when I’m happy. Instead of sitting alone with my laptop, I’m out there living and experiencing my life.
The last year or two has been challenging in so many ways. The pandemic was downright depressing. I think many of us are still trying to figure out how to live a “normal” existence again or whatever that even means in today’s world. It was a whirlwind of emotions all of 2020. Now into 2021 we’re still seeing restrictions and vaccines and people still not really showing compassion for others or picking fights. But at least it’s not as bad as 2020. At least we’re able to be out in the world again, even if it had changed a bit.
I was in a codependent relationship with someone I was trying to help….or control….or I don’t even know what the fuck I was trying to do by the end of it. It all became so intertwined and messy that neither one of us could even cope with any of it anymore. That had to end and it was like going through withdrawal for a few months after. Similar to when I left my narcissist ex-husband actually.
Codependency feels like withdrawal. As someone who has gone through it in recovery from alcohol, it’s a familiar feeling. Your body and mind literally goes through a withdrawal process where all you want to do is reach out, reconnect and get your fix. But it doesn’t last long – I’d say 30 days or so and then you’re ready to start rebuilding a foundation again. You have to go complete no contact and just move on. It sucks and it hurts but it’s what has to be done in those cases no matter what your heart tries to negotiate with you.
Then there’s job security and finances. Things were shaky during the pandemic. I wasn’t really sure how it was all going to work out. I was stressed about money a lot.
How are things different now?
But now….I’m so content that it sort of feels like an out of body experience at the moment. I’m so used to chaos in my life that when things are calm it sort of feels weird. But honestly, I love it. My life is peaceful right now. I’m safe and secure. I’m surrounded by love. I have the things I need and then some.
How did I get here? One day at a time. It’s cliche because we say this in Alcoholics Anonymous but I’ve literally got myself here one day at a time. Sometimes I set myself back in a given day, while others I progress forward. I’ve made the right decisions for myself as of late and the universe is rewarding me with peace and comfort. Every day feels like a hug right now. Which is why I haven’t really felt like writing too much. I’m just simply living and enjoying what life has to offer.
That could change at any moment of course and I’m very aware of that. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop it seems but in this moment, maybe I don’t have to wait for that shoe to drop. Maybe I can suspend my disbelief and just be. Yea, I like the sound of that.
Let it be…..Let me be…Free
Also Billie Eilish’s albums Happier Than Ever came our recently and I’ve been playing it on repeat. What a bright young woman who seems to write sounds that touch my soul. Enjoy!