For years I was begging people to like me and approve of me because I hated myself. Hate is a strong word but I couldn’t live inside my own head. I was running. My inner critic was so cruel and mean that I NEEDED other people to like me because I didn’t like me……but I had no idea that I was running from myself.
Imagine that….not realizing that you don’t like yourself very much. I never understood why people always said love yourself first. How could I not love myself? I was stuck in this brain and body. Of course I loved myself. I would bend over backwards to help other, how could that not be admired?
But the truth was, I didn’t love myself very much. I was poisoning my body with drugs and alcohol to escape myself. I was trying to have as many relationships and friendships as possible to avoid myself. I had multiple jobs and never took a rest day to avoid myself.
When the dust settles and I had to be alone with me – it was a struggle. Looking inward and learning that I didn’t have a lot of self worth and put others before me came from a place of deep insecurity, guilt, shame and not believing I deserved better.
That can change. So I’m gonna be another one of those people that says love yourself first. Hopefully it makes a little more sense within some context.