That’s right, I said it! I have trust issues. Let me repeat that again for those in the back – I….HAVE….TRUST….ISSUES.
I am your classic over thinker. My brain has literally been training to tear apart the untruths in a story for years now. I will look for the holes and I can assure you, if they are there, I will find them.
I’ve had the wool pulled over my eyes a time or two in this life. I’ve ignored truths staring me right in the face. I’ve even given people the benefit of the doubt even after they’ve proven that they can’t be trusted.
I’m not blaming them….on the contrary….I blame myself. I haven’t been able to stand up to them. Sometimes I’ve cowered away and ghosted. Other times I’ve excused myself from the friendship. Other times I’ve stayed way too long when I should’ve left.
The problem with not having very good boundaries is you leave yourself vulnerable to the people who are not truth tellers or are truth stretchers. We all know these people. They are very good at like stretching the truth.
But it’s not just other people, it’s myself too. There are times where I don’t even trust the my own thoughts inside my brain. Like, my brain literally perpetuates lies even if I’m so certain of the truth – there’s doubt or insecurities or feelings of unworthiness even when there is no reason to think the things that I think.
Then sometimes I know I’m being lied to and I just go ahead and let it happen as though I almost will it so.
So what then is a girl to do? Fuck if I know.
Some days I wake up and I’m just ready to fight. Other days I wake up and I’m ready to throw in the towel. I don’t, but I feel like it. Where I open up my computer and just stare at it, hoping I’ll somehow find the motivation to do something.
You see, I come from fro a victim mentality and sometimes it’s hard to shake. When you’ve been left, abandoned or shut people out….it then becomes very hard to give that trust so freely anymore.
I’ve hit a point where I just don’t have very many friends or people I’m close to because I can’t bring myself to trust. When I do trust, without fail, there seems to be a point where it all falls apart – whether my fault or theirs. The thought of trying to go back and rebuild is exhausting and so I usually just don’t.
I have this way about me that when I go cold on someone, I’m cold for good. I’ve reached the point of no return. I don’t even know where that threshold is most of the time either, it just, happens over a period of time. I can usually feel it coming, but otherwise there are no warning signs.
It’s a very difficult thing to come back from when someone has lied or hurt me. Each of those have piled up and turned into this seeming mountain where I don’t want to even try.
But alas, I know that I should and I will. One day at a time.