After particularly long days, I find I am vulnerable to certain thoughts and ideas. Today is one of those occasions. I’ve been working 10 – 12 hour days, burning the candle at both ends with very little “me” time. Even my bath tub has been out of service while I’ve been waiting for my landlord to handle my plumbing situation. It’s been one of those weeks.
I have low key been fantasizing all day about sipping a chilled grey goose dirty martini with three olives at the bar downstairs from my apartment complex that plays delightful jazz milanese directly into my window in the evenings. (that might be the longest sentence I have ever written)
So I decided to write a poem for the one true toxic love in my life that I had to let go….it helps remind me why it’s better to have loved and lost then to never have loved or lost at all.
The chill of the glass against my right hand
(Not my left because I’m clumsy)
The pungent odor of the olives stinging my nostrils
Right before the cool liquid rushes toward my lips
That first sip is the roughest
but the ones that follow flow eaaaaaaaaaasy
So Silky smooth that I beckon for another
and then another and another.
You see, my problem isn’t in the one martini
The amount of calculated ounces in the glass
That doesn’t pose a single threat to anyone
No, if I could just have one martini,
I could conquer this thing called alcoholism
But my soul beckons for one last dance
and then another and then another
It’s greedy like that
I get swept away in the madness of the moment
and then I…. am…. lost……
You see alcohol was my true love
The many conversations I’ve had
with those bubbly concoctions
The nights we shared.
The love we had and lost.
All at what sort of cost?
Never judging but always showing up
People never seemed to be that way
I would suffer in the world
She would wrap me in her embrace
And hold me all night long
Help me forget about it all
Avoid the reality of the truth
When I awoke and she was gone
Leaving me with nothing but her memory
I had to have her again
and I did
until I couldn’t anymore
You see, being an alcoholic is more than just drinking booze. For me, it was replacing the relationship that I should have had with myself, other humans, family, friends. It was my coping mechanism for all things. Mostly because it was always there, but also because I couldn’t rely on myself or anyone else for the kind of comfort my soul needed.
Once I quit drinking and learned how to rely on MYSELF and trust MY instincts, MY judgements and learn to truly love MYSELF….I didn’t need it anymore. I learned how to cope. I learned how to be independent. I learned that I can live a perfectly happy life without my crutch.
Every now and then though, I think about her. She’s a wily little temptress, but I tell her no and I walk away. That is how I stay sober every day. I choose me over her. #byefelicia.