I have found myself drawn to country music again lately. That’s likely due to a recent heartbreak. As we tend to learn, country music is tied to loss often times. There’s that joke about losing everything that people say – I won’t repeat it but you know where I’m going with this.

Regardless, there are songs I’ll turn on full blast and sing at the top of my lungs. There is something cathartic about doing that – yelling/screaming. I don’t typically like to yell directly at people – though there have been occasions where yelling has happened (and I’m never proud of it). But yelling into a pillow or while you’re driving down the highway – can really release some of the ugliness being stored up inside.

I’ve been screaming quite a bit lately or singing at the top of my lungs (sorry neighbors). Sometimes my emotions get so strong inside that it feels like I need to scream or else I might explode. Have you felt this before? It’s overwhelming.

If we weren’t in the middle of a pandemic, I’ll probably take a kick boxing class to go beat up some punching bags for awhile to blow off some steam. But alas, I’m at home so this will have to do.

Anyway, back to the music….

I was a big Collin Raye fan in the 90s. Does anyone remember him? Something about his voice and lyrics that made my young heart beat. I recently listened to that album again and I’m just like, “Okay baby Nicole, you were saving this bit of inspiration for adult Nicole. Thank you!”

There’s a song called “I Can Still Feel You” that I always loved. It feels appropriate right now. I’m in the apartment we shared together and I can still feel him here sometimes. Obviously not physically here, he’s not a ghost, but sometimes I’ll look into my kitchen and remember how he used to stand there and cook dinner. So focused and chef-like. This song reminds me of that.

“I can still feel you just as close as skin every now and then. All by myself in a crowded room or my empty bed. There’s a place you touched with your love that no one gets close to. I can still feel you.”

However, I do have an all-time favorite Collin Raye song. I don’t even remember why I used to love this song but I used to sit at the bar table near our front room window with my cd player and listen to this song over and over.

“Let the world stop turnin’. Let the stop burnin’. Let them tell me love’s not worth going through. If it all falls apart I will know deep in my heart the only dream that matter had come true. In this life, I was loved by you.”

So beautiful and so true. That’s often how I look at love. Even when it ends, it was still worth the moments that made my heart melt. The moments I’ll choose to hold on to that make trying to love again all worth it.

But love does still hurt and so I’ll end this post with this Rascall Flatts cover by Staind (because I’m still a rocker at heart too).

“It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go But I’m doing it. It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends And I’m alone. Still harder getting up, getting dressed, living with this regret But I know if I could do it over I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart That I left unspoken. “

“What hurts the most Was being so close And having so much to say And watching you walk away And never knowing. What could’ve been And not seeing that love in you Is what I was trying to do!”

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