Yesterday was a big day for me for so many reasons but mostly because every single day I struggle with anxiety. It’s like having a little small voice always telling me to just stay home, don’t face the world, people will judge you, no body likes you, you’re all alone etc. I’ve gotten very good over the years at hiding this from people. Very few people know how much I struggle on a regular basis with anxiety, depression and alcoholism. If you see me, either in person or via social media, I present myself as a very positive happy human….but I have very dark days and I haven’t always dealt with them in the best ways.
While that pesky little voice was there yesterday, I didn’t listen. I got up, got on the plane, I checked into my hotel and went to this concert all by myself and by the end of the evening I was in tears (happy ugly ones). I’m not sharing this story to get a pat on the back but simply to let anyone out there who is also struggling know that you are not alone.
I must’ve tried to get out of making this trip a thousand times, battling with my own insecurities in my head for weeks. You can’t afford this, just sell the tickets, you can’t go alone, it’s too much to handle, you don’t serve this, people will laugh at you, it’s too much before your trip…you….just….can’t.
But I could and I did. This is the highlight reel from yesterday that shows my trip from morning until I went to bed. What it doesn’t show are the moments internally where I had to convince myself to get out of bed, staring at myself in the mirror insecurely while getting ready, constantly reassuring myself that what I’m doing was good, that I shouldn’t feel guilty, that I deserved it and I had to take deep breaths so as not to panic when things happened I couldn’t control.
As I lay in bed this morning, I’ve barely slept because I’m anxious about my flight but I’m so grateful to be here. I did it, it wasn’t easy but I made it! We are not promised tomorrow, all we have is today, the right now. I’ve chosen life, I’ve chosen to not let my anxiety consume me and I’ve chosen to share all of this for someone who might be stuck in the thick of something themselves. You are not alone and I’m just a message, dm, text or phone call away. 💛💛💛