I’m a member of a sober app that’s kind of like a Facebook account for Sober people. Yes, this thing exists and it’s actually been quite helpful in my recovery and reminded me to encourage others on a daily basis in their own sobriety and struggles….because I’m not alone.
Anyway, so I get to chatting about the movie A Star is Born. If you haven’t seen this movie I highly recommend it.
So I went to see this movie late last year with my boyfriend at the time. I loved it! By loved it I mean I cried like a fucking baby through many of the pivotal alcohol induced scenes.
I was still drinking at the time. As I walked out of the theater and got into my boyfriend’s truck, I couldn’t stop crying. We went back to his place, I got into my car and still couldn’t stop crying. I cried for hours and I couldn’t understand why.
When I couldn’t stop the tears I went to get a bottle of wine from the liquor store around the corner from where I lived. I drank not one, but two bottles of wine and then I started balling and writing. This was not something new, I’d written many things while drunk but this letter….it’s significant.
I read this letter again last night and I can’t decide if it’s just my drunk brain saying things I knew to be true but never wanted to admit to the men I’ve been in relationships with or if this was a suicide note of sorts where I was saying goodbye and just didn’t finish it.
It’s an unfinished letter because I likely drank myself to sleep, like I normally did when I felt emotions too grown up for my foolish escape artist of a brain.
The letter is entitled, “I am Jack”.
Jack, if you don’t know, is a character in this movie. Spoiler alert, Jack is an alcoholic. Even then, I knew, I was an alcoholic and perhaps was even the first step of many that I was slowly coming to terms with it. I don’t quite know.
I’ve always been a writer. It’s usually how I cope with almost everything that I go through. Whether I share the pain or I don’t, there is usually something writing about it somewhere. The notes app in my phone is filled with all sorts of atrocious things. Should someone find my phone some day, they would get a peak into the randomness of my mind – and certainly pass judgement on what they found in those pages.
The letter is dated October 7, 2018. I didn’t get sober until February 19, 2019. At that point in my journey I was drinking frequently, often times getting black out drunk and stuffing my nose with drugs I couldn’t afford. That night I went on a bender, locked myself in my room with several bottles of wine, drugs and apparently wrote this letter.
I began the letter with these paragraphs:
“I realize that I AM JACK. Everyone else in my life, specifically those I love the most, are Ally.
I love very deeply and have good intentions, but at the end of the day I will fail those around me. My past will constantly attack me and eat me alive. Even when I have everything I want in my hands, I’ll find a way to sabotage it or run the opposite direction from what I truly want.
I will always want the best for those that I love and I know deep down that being with me is the worst thing for them. I will undoubtedly make them hate me so they can move on and live their lives happily without the strain of picking me up each time I fall.
Because I am broken…“
Fuuuuuuuuuuuck. Those are MY words on paper. I wrote those things and I felt those things. They were very real to me and I truly believed that everyone was better without me. That I would only bring them pain and suffering because it was my pattern.
As I read through each heart breaking line, I see the pain, the struggle and even the truth in the words. I wrote to my ex-husband, I wrote to my ex-boyfriend who is still my best friend, I wrote to my current partners at the time but never told them about it either.
The most heart wrenching paragraph is this one: “I loved you more than anyone I have ever loved and will probably ever love again. As I sat there watching this movie with you, I could feel space growing between us. Not even your doing by my own. Realizing that I will only hurt you and this may be the peak of our happiness in this very moment. I find myself wanting to let you go, not because I don’t want to be with you, but I know inevitably that I will only hurt you. Your beautiful fucking soul for trusting me with your deepest secrets. Dealing with my alcoholism and still trying to help me no matter what. I wish I could accept your devotion and complete dedication. Instead, I’m met with feelings of inadequacy and know that there is someone more deserving of your love than me. “
The letter goes on to address other issues in my life, other people and ultimately feels like, to me, to be a suicide letter of sorts. Consciously I was never suicidal but clearly there were undertones of a very hurt and upset soul in this letter.
I’m sharing this today because I see friends on social media hurting. I SEE YOU! You are NOT alone. Suicide is not the answer and you can survive this.
My heart breaks for the person I was when I wrote this letter and my heart breaks for you! To feel like you are unworthy of love, are a strain on those around you and that you are better off dead or alone. These are lies your illness is telling you and they couldn’t be further from the truth.
Suicide help line 1-800-273-8255. Call this number, call me, call someone.
I’m still on my journey to recovery and working on the broken parts inside me but I no longer feel hopeless, but rather have hope.
And it’s because I wanted to get better. I didn’t do it for any one person, I did it for me. I’m still figuring out and taking ownership of my worth and I encourage you today to do the same. Fight those demons and understand that they don’t have to define you.
You are a survivor. Keep fighting. I’m here to cheer you on!