My therapist recommended that I write a letter to my future self – to tell her not to fear being single or alone. I’m over here living and thriving in my singleness at the moment and it might be helpful to reassure my future self, should I find myself in a situation where I’m staying with someone who isn’t right for me for fear of being alone – to cut that shit out and be reminded that it’s not so bad.
I’ve learned a lot about myself and how I operate. Hindsight is always 2020 that way. I’ve been able to site and figure out where things went wrong in ever relationship I’ve been in. Some my fault, some theirs, but ultimately it comes down to not being the right fit and spending a lot of time and energy trying to make it work. Why? For me, it’s because I’m afraid of being lonely or ending up alone. That’s my biggest fear – being left completely alone.
Dear Future Self,
Girl, should you ever find myself in a relationship where it’s just not a good fit but are staying because you don’t want to end up alone – I’m sitting here single and alone right now and it’s really not all that bad. I think it gets built up in our heads so much that it becomes this terrifying thing. Maybe it’s societal pressure or maybe it’s because you’ve spent your whole life just trying to belong. Either way, being single and alone isn’t really all that bad.
I don’t have to worry about another person right now. I can focus 100% of my efforts on doing whatever it is I’ve set out to do in this world. I don’t have to ask for permission or worry that I might upset my partner by wanting alone time or spending too much time with friends and family. I don’t need to rush to my phone every time it dings or call nonstop when they stop answering for fear something bad has happened. I don’t have to be anything other than just myself and it’s actually pretty easy to live this way.
I can make plans and do whatever the fuck I want. I don’t need explain why I’m still friends with my exes or if I want to take time to myself this weekend because I’m overwhelmed. I can just be and exist without worrying that I’ll hurt someones feelings or have them misunderstand. I don’t have to people please or appease or
Sure, I go through moments where I just wish I had someone. I’m 25 days into dating myself and it gets lonely. I’m tempted to go out and start dating again but deep down I know that I am not ready. I would just be accepting whatever human I swipe right on and praying they aren’t another man I have to survive. Instead, I will wait. I don’t want to set future self up for a disaster. So I’m putting in the work for you right now that hopefully you’ll never have to read this post. But in case you do, becasue no one is perfect and we all make mistakes, I’m here to tell you that it’s going to be okay. That being single is NOT the worst thing in the world.
In fact, you have been able to rest. You’ve been able to collect your thoughts. You’ve been able to get more clarity and peace. It’s been a welcomed break from having to always feel like you have to be on or save or fix. Girl, I’m over here killing it financially too! I’m consistently creating content for the blog, for the podcast and writing the book. Single looks good on us sometimes.
Now I know what you’re thinking….don’t you miss having someone? Yes. Every single day. I miss having a partner like I miss getting to spend tons of time with friends and family. I miss coworkers and childhood friends too. I miss traveling Europe. I miss eating really greasy food and still somehow having abs. Girl, we miss all sorts of things, having a partner is just one of them. You get through it.
We are doing really good these days and it’s all because we are not focusing on being alone, but pushing through and knowing that some day the universe will bring someone into our life that IS the right fit. But if we don’t put in the work now, we may never meet that person. So I’m putting the work so you hopefully never have to read this.
That’s not to say that I don’t want a partner in my life. I do. I want to be with my soulmate sitting in our PJs eating popcorn and watching Netflix. But I haven’t found that person yet. I’ve gotten glimpses of it through some really awesome relationships with people and I’ve walked away with more knowledge and lifelong friends out of it too. But the days of accepting less than I deserve, ignoring the red flags and trying to fix people has to come to an end. Until you find someone who doesn’t need fixing – you’ll remain solo and fix yourself.
If you are reading this and in a relationship like the ones we’ve been in before, girl, it’s time to leave. The fact that you’re looking back on this even for a second is your intuition telling you it’s time to go. I don’t care if you live together, have kids or are running a business together. You have a choice and you don’t have to stay. This is the sign you were looking for. It’s time to say your goodbyes and head back to taking care of just yourself. Sometimes we get in over our heads. Sometimes our partners change and it no longer fits. Sometimes we change or something happens that just breaks things. Whatever it is, if you’re looking for this letter then it’s time to go.
I love you and it’s going to be okay.